letter to dad from rehab

oh and by the way i pray for you every time i pray. now, i only pray for rain.

Dear Dad,
I woke up to rain in the New Mexico desert today.

I thought of you and I cried from deep within my heart.

I cried 28 years of tears.

There is so much i never said and so much I never felt.

I miss you.

I have missed you for over 25 years.

I needed you.

I searched for you.

I searched for you in every one of my mother's boyfriends, every husband.

. I searched for you in uncles and grandfathers.

I even searched for you in the men I became involved with.

I was so angry.

Even after I found you and I said it was okay, I was never okay.

Pain like that doesn't evaporate with dinner & a hug.

It just gets stuffed deeper down inside.

I saw the lies, from the small ones to the big ones.

I felt the judgement and I knew betrayal.

I faced a cold, brutal world confused and alone.

I left with no real destination.

I just needed to run away.

I needed to leave you like you left me.