I Wondered If I Would Ever Be Able To Forgive Myself…

I remember one summer morning in 2023. I cried in a room full of strangers.

I was looking for advice. I felt like a horrible person and while I had begun to make some necessary amends…

there was one person I seemingly could not stop resenting: myself.

I cried into a tissue and asked the question with all of my might…

“How do you forgive yourself?” my nose was running.

An old man gave me some of the best advice I’ve ever receieved:

“You continue to do your part

and people will begin to forgive you

and they will show you how to really forgive.

The more you are forgiven, the more you forgive.”

I had no idea what to do with that information other than to continually take responsibility for myself.

Over and Over Again.

It has been 3 days since Gran passed.

I’ve been in and out of denial, shock, anger, sadness, and everything in between.

And I made a decision not to drink. I made the choice to face it head on…

Today after a run and a trip to the library,

I stood in my kitchen and reflected on the last time I saw my Grandmother in person…

She told me to kiss her ass.

And I laughed because,

me being the aspiring Saint I am,

took the high road.

I thanked her for everything and exited her home with a reassuring

“I’ll see you next year. I love you.”

to which Gran replied:

“I doubt it.”

And I felt bad for giggling at the fact that although I had taken the high road,

Gran had taken a back road.

She may have lost the battle,

she ultimately won the war…

which is ironic because the foundation of my relationship and love for my grandmother

is a direct result of

Unconditional Love & Unconditional Forgiveness.

My Gran showed me the love of Christ unlike any other Christian I’ve ever known…

and the peace I feel knowing that her prayers were answered on this planet when I showed up and rang her doorbell on Christmas Day sober….

the peace I feel knowing that I answered my phone when she called and laughed with her and she was so proud of me and happy for me rather than worried about me…

is a direct result of unconditional love and unconditional forgiveness.

When we practice these, we are always at peace…

and we have nothing to be sorry for.

You’re forgiven…

you always have been.

You are loved.

You always will be.

Also, I cannot wait to confidently tell someone to kiss my ass without consequence one day.

Thanks, Gran.

You’re a Saint in my book.